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Love, Friendship, and the Loops We Live In

If you want to know who someone really is, don’t look at their LinkedIn. Look at the loops in their personal relationships.


Do they leave people better than they found them—or scorched and exhausted?


Do they build circles of trust—or cycles of drama?


We call this series Open Loop vs. Closed Loop Thinking, but in your personal life, the stakes are immediate and intimate. The people closest to you either reinforce your life flywheel—or they slowly saw it in half.



Open Loop Humans: The Walking Energy Leak


You know these people. You’ve dated these people. Some of us have been these people.

Open Loop Humans operate like relationships are extraction events. Their unspoken operating model is:


  • Take first, give if convenient.

  • Burn bridges quietly—or spectacularly.

  • Rewrite the story so they’re always the hero or the victim.


They’re the friend who only calls when they need something.


They’re the ex who leaves a trail of emotional debt.


They’re the coworker who drains morale and then acts surprised when the team avoids them.


In the macro world, these are the shady CEOs, the alt-right grifters, the perpetual hustlers.


  • They promise loyalty but chase power.

  • They preach community but sow division.

  • They “win” in the short term, but their loops always close—and usually hard.



Closed Loop Humans: The Mutualist Advantage


Then there are the Closed Loop Humans—the ones I call Mutualists in personal life.


They operate on a simple premise:


Relationships are ecosystems, not vending machines.


  • They give before they take.

  • They invest in people as a compounding asset, not a disposable resource.

  • When something breaks, they try to fix it, not flee it.


Think of the best friend who always shows up, the mentor who keeps doors open for years, or the partner who leaves you better than they found you—even if the relationship ends.


In the public sphere, this looks like:


  • Gates Foundation-level philanthropy: a life designed to circulate resources back.

  • Clinton Foundation-style networks: using influence to build infrastructure for others.

  • Community-minded operators: the quiet executives and founders whose teams follow them anywhere.


Mutualists leave trust flywheels spinning behind them.


The Flywheel of Trust


Here’s how relationships compound—or collapse—depending on your loop.


Open Loop Relationships:

  1. Take more than you give.

  2. People feel drained.

  3. Trust erodes.

  4. Favors stop coming.

  5. Isolation or blowup follows.


Closed Loop Relationships:


  1. Give without keeping immediate score.

  2. People feel valued.

  3. Trust builds.

  4. Opportunities, loyalty, and energy circle back.

  5. The network strengthens itself over time.


I’ve watched this in my own life:


  • Early in my career, I spent time with “extraction friends”—fun in the moment, exhausting long-term.

  • When I shifted to Mutualist relationships, my energy, focus, and opportunities all compounded.


It wasn’t magic. It was loops.



Recognizing Your Loops in Love and Friendship


Want to audit your personal life through the Mutualist lens? Here’s how:


1. Track Energy, Not Just Time


  • After an interaction, ask: Do I feel lighter or heavier?

  • Mutualists often leave you charged. Open loop humans leave a residue.


2. Look for Reciprocation, Not Scorekeeping


  • Closed loop relationships cycle effort naturally—you give because they give.

  • Open loop ones feel like a constant debt collection process.


3. Watch Conflict Patterns


  • Mutualists can fight—but the loop always closes in repair.

  • Open loop humans leave messes unaddressed, or worse, weaponize them.




How to Build a Mutualist Circle


If you want a life where personal relationships fuel, not drain, your flywheel:


1. Curate Your Inner Circle


  • Identify your three most Mutualist relationships—nurture them relentlessly.

  • Identify three open loop relationships—decide whether to repair, reframe, or release them.


2. Create Return-on-Generosity Moments


  • Introduce people who should know each other.

  • Share knowledge or resources that make someone’s life easier without expectation.

  • These acts are the compound interest of social capital.


3. Exit with Integrity


  • Not every loop can close. Sometimes you walk away.

  • But Mutualists exit relationships without poison. A clean ending is its own closed loop.




The Cost of Ignoring Your Loops


If this sounds too “soft,” consider the strategic reality:

  • Your career runs on trust. Burn one bridge, fine. Burn ten, and your map gets very small.

  • Your mental health is networked. Spend enough time with open loop humans and their chaos becomes yours.

  • Your legacy is relational. People will forget your LinkedIn title. They will never forget how you made them feel.


The people who treat relationships as extractive transactions may look “successful” for a while. But the loop always closes: reputational collapse, social isolation, or a life that feels empty even when it’s full of toys.



Personal Mutualism: The Ultimate Life Filter


Here’s the simple heuristic I live by:


If someone consistently leaves me, my work, or my community better than they found it—they’re in the circle. If they don’t, they’re out.


It sounds cold. It’s not.


It’s how you protect the flywheel that powers every part of your life.


And when you build a circle of Mutualists?

  • Opportunities flow without asking.

  • Relationships deepen instead of decay.

  • Life feels lighter, because the loops are self-closing and self-fueling.


This is why Mutualism is the successor model to capitalism in personal life.


Instead of competing to extract from relationships, you’re compounding the ecosystem you all live in.



The Mutualist Relationship Audit (Do This Today)


  1. Draw three columns: Mutualist | Neutral | Open Loop.

  2. List 10 people you interact with most.

  3. Categorize them honestly.

  4. Take one action this week:

    • Double down on a Mutualist.

    • Repair or reframe a Neutral.

    • Step back from an Open Loop.


You will feel the energy shift almost immediately.


Relationships are the purest loops you’ll ever manage. Close them well, and everything else in life—career, wealth, impact—gets easier.


Because the loop always closes. The only question is whether it compounds or collapses.


If this resonates, explore more of my writing at Numbers & Letters, or reach out for a consultation to discuss leadership design and systems thinking for your organization.




Sources & inspiration:




Disclaimer/Full Disclosure (You made it!): This blog post was generated with the assistance of AI, with N&L human oversight ensuring accuracy and insight. The thoughts and opinions expressed are our own

 
 
 

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